Tony Deyal
THE URGE to experiment is central to the human psyche. Whether, like Dr. Frankenstein we produce a monster, or like the French folk who played with milk and produced a Munster (cheese), the consequences are not as important to us as the challenge.
Like the Starship Enterprise, we want to go where no earthling has hitherto set foot or set down. Unlike the good Captain Kirk and his crew, most of us achieve Spock all and don't care because the journey is more important than the destination. That is why we go round in circles and continue to reinvent the wheel.
My nine-year-old daughter Jasmine is convinced that in mixing the shampoo, conditioner, cologne, water and whatever else she can find in the bathroom cupboard, she is on the verge of great discoveries. Even though more ardour than Arden, or more harden than the Canadian cosmetics queen, Jasmine persists. I always thought that it is only if you cross a blackbird with a redneck you get the colour purple. Jasmine somehow did it, and messed up the woolen rug in her bedroom. We suspect that she extended her horizons by including shoe polish. We console ourselves with our one nugget of hope that eventually her CV will read that she is a good mixer. In the meantime, Hints from Heloise has moved from the library shelves to the bedside table.
JOKES
When I was younger I found the what-do-you-get-if· jokes excruciatingly funny. What do you get if you cross a potato with a zipper? A potato that peels easier. What do you get if you cross an owl with a skunk? A bird that smells but doesn't give a hoot. A centipede with a parrot? A walkie-talkie. An elephant and a goldfish - swimming trunks. A sheepdog and a bunch of daisies? Collie flowers. A shark and a parrot? A bird that talks your ear off. Of course, there is also the question of what do you get if you crossed a flower with a crocodile. I don't know, but I definitely am not going close enough to smell it.
Later in life, I found the occasional funny one. What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork. Then the totally adult one - what do you get if you crossed a donkey with an onion? Most of the times you simply get an onion with long ears, but occasionally you hit the jackpot and you end up with a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
Some people are into animal crossings, especially dogs, and come up with extremely rare breeds. A Collie and a Lhasa Apso will give you a dog that folds up for easy transport - a Collapso. It could be a mascot for the Brazilian football team. If you want something more abstract you can cross your Lhasa Apso with a Pekingese and get a Pekasso. A Bloodhound and a Borzoi will give you a Bloody Bore, not much fun in breeding this one. Around Christmas time you can think of mating your Pointer with a Setter and get a Poinsetter. If you're into spaniels, you can put your Irish Water Spaniel with your English Springer Spaniel and get an Irish Springer, a dog that is fresh and clean. The only problem is that it is green. A Terrier and a Bulldog can be a serious error, Terribull, in fact, and a Bloodhound-Labrador combination can be as bad as the shark and parrot, a Blabador that talks incessantly. If you want lasting affection, you can just cross you Deerhound with a Terrier and you get a Derriere, true to the end or the butt of all kinds of, 'what-do-you-get-if' jokes.
HYBRID BUSINESS
Some folks take this hybrid business seriously. Not just Toyota, Ford and other auto giants, but readers of the Washington Post. The newspaper asked readers to come up with the offspring of two different and distinct animals. Most of the names were hilarious. According to The Style Invitational of the Post, Great ideas submitted by too many of you: skunks x badgers = stinking badgers ("We don't need them"); camel x ocelot = camelot ("flourished for one brief shining moment"). And of course lots of entries featuring the shih-tzu.
There were some honourable mentions. A Porcupine and Soldier Ant will give you a Porcupinesol - a pet that keeps its own cage sparkling clean and fresh. A Cardinal and Shar Pei, Cardsharpie or one of those poker-playing dogs. A Wombat and an Elephant will produce a Womant - a creature that can lift many times her own weight, but won tell you what that weight is. The fourth runner-up in the newspaper challenge was the crossing of a Cicada and an Elephant - the Cicaphant which, even after 17 years, will never forget how nice you are. The third runner-up was the Emu and Quail. Their offspring, Email, is a fast-flying bird monitored obsessively by humans and often contain a virus. Number three is the Barbarhuahua - the crossing of a Barbary Ape and Chihuahua, an extremely inquisitive, persistent, noisy little bird. Second place went to the progeny of the Monarch and Woodchuck. It is a Princechuck, a pitiable drone that remains near its mother in its immature stage for years and years and years. The winner is begat by the Lion and the Crocodile and is a Lioncroc - an enormous fish that got away.
Tony Deyal was last seen trying to cross a canary and an ibis to get a bird that can fly really, really high. Call it a canabis.
